Friday, November 8, 2013

You Can't Handle The Truth! NFL Version

One of my buddies from high school commented last night that the situation with Richie Incognito and Johnathan Martin (background story here) was beginning to seem like an NFL version of "A Few Good Men."  With some prompting he took the famous courtroom scene and adapted it to the Dolphins' situation.  I've posted it below for your enjoyment.  It's one of the funniest things I've read in a long time:

Cast:
Coach Joe Philbin: Miami Dolphins' Head Coach
Ted Wells: Lawyer who is leading NFL probe into hazing
Roger Goodell: NFL commissioner 


Philbin: “Sometimes players take matters into their own hands.”

Wells: “No sir. You made it clear just a moment ago that your players never take matters into their own hands. Your players follow orders or Tannehill gets sacked. So Martin shouldn’t have been in any danger at all, should he have, Coach?

Philbin: “You little $%&*@$%.”

Cornell: “Commissioner, I have to ask for a recess to…”

Wells: “I’d like an answer to the question, Commissioner.”

Goodell: “The league will wait for an answer.”

Wells: “If Sherman Turner told his O-line that Martin wasn’t to be hazed, then why did he have to be traded?”

Coach?

Sherman ordered the hazing, didn’t he? Because that’s what you told Sherman to do!”

Cornell: Object!

Goodell: Counsel!

Wells: And when it went bad, you cut Incognito loose!

Goodell: That’ll be all, Counsel!

Wells: You had Turner sign a phony trade order, you doctored the roster…

Philbin: You want answers?

Wells: I think I’m entitled to them.

Philbin: You want answers?!

Wells: I WANT THE TRUTH!

Philbin: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Philibin: Son, we live in a league that has quarterbacks. And those quarterbacks have to be guarded by men with cojones. Whose gonna do it? You? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for Martin and you curse the Dolphins. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: That Martin’s departure, while tragic, probably saved quarterbacks. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves quarterbacks.

You don’t want the truth. Because deep down, in places you don’t talk about in your Fantasy Football League, you want me on that sideline. You NEED me on that sideline. We use words like hut, hut, and hike. You use them as a punchline during your turkey bowl.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps mesmerized by the football I provide, then questions the manner in which I provide it. I’d prefer you just cheered for us, ate your nachos, and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you put on some pads and hit the line of scrimmage. Either way, I don’t give a $%&* what you think you’re entitled to!

Wells: Did you haze Jonathan Martin?!

Philbin: I did the job Ross hired me to do.

Wells: DID YOU HAZE JONATHAN MARTIN!?!?

Philbin: “YOU’RE %^&$*(& RIGHT I DID!!!


Author: Steve Olson, one of the best and brightest.  
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